Last night I received a text from my sister letting me know she was going to be putting her dog to sleep today, a dog I had spent a lot of time with, and I had a dream that set the tone for my entire day; it was one of those dreams where nothing really seemed to happen, yet it was full of emotion.
In the dream, I was at a drinking party in a field of tall grass, similar to ones I went to in high school, and all the people there were friends that I was no longer friends with. Although the moon and stars were out, there was enough light to see into the distance. Everything was a shade of blue. I walked around with a Solo cup filled with beer in my hand and watched people talk by bonfires, watched them laugh, watched them kiss; then I decided to leave and walked down a dirt road. On both sides of the road, cars were parked under tall trees. I followed the road, passing faces I recognized and stopped at the end of a long line. From there, I waited, and I overheard a girl I once knew say, "He had so much going for him then. Now..."
I woke up confused and looking around my room, thinking someone had knocked on my door. Since getting out of bed, I've been in this weird introspective state of mind. I'm not happy, not sad; I'm somewhere in between, thinking about choices, thinking about the way things used to be and how they are, thinking about friends I used to talk to and places we used to hang out at, thinking about mistakes, thinking about things I did right, thinking about last October and sitting under a bright orange moon as my sister's black lab wandered around the yard somewhere in the dark, crinkling leaves that had fallen to the ground.
A weird mood indeed, if the movie Project X, which I watched in an attempt to shift my thoughts, had me staring at my TV in a semi-jealous daze. It also led me to discover The XX's "Intro" at the end of the film, and the song is amplifying my feelings, getting them out of me. In this moment, the tune is a panacea.
Sometimes, it's good to feel like this and work through it and explore and think and wonder, asking the important questions while teetering between hope and despair. Sometimes, the subconscious needs to realign, speaking through dreams.