Friday, August 31, 2012

Online Dating Is Sketchy

Having not had a serious girlfriend in a while, I was tempted this morning after my jog to create an online dating profile with Match, then I remembered the horrendous experiences I had with these types of services while in Denver. They're good for a laugh, so I'll share some...

First, a lot of the profiles online are fake. They're stolen photos or dummy bios run by hackers trying to get dupes to send personal information or join shady websites. They lure you in with niceties, then send a link to their site or a virus to your computer.

Second, I had two occasions where I spent a little over a week exchanging emails, which ended at the phone portion of getting to know each other. We exchanged numbers: one person called me at odd hours and just listened, never said a word, and never answered when I called, always emailing with an excuse about why they couldn't pick up the phone; the other, when picking up the phone, turned out to be a dude that had been posing as a woman.

Third, I once had a woman, after emails, phone conversations, and a light dinner, come over to my apartment. The first thing she said to me while passing through the threshold was, "I have a knife." I laughed, thinking she was joking, then she showed me a knife Crocodile Dundee would have been proud of. The woman made herself at home on the opposite end of the couch (I was glad there was distance between us because I didn't want to get stabbed even though she had put the knife away), and we watched TV for a few hours. At two in the morning, I informed her I had to work early and asked her politely to leave--she refused, because Braveheart had started and she'd never seen it before. Needless to say, she stayed until it was over, and I went to work the next day completely exhausted and almost fell asleep in my cubicle.

Fourth, after the knife incident, I was a lot more cautious. I extended the email and phone courtship, but my next mistake was just as bad. I was tricked by very seductive and attractive photographs, which, lo and behold, turned out to be about a decade, 250 lbs, and 2 children old. False advertising. Granted, it was the same woman, and I might have been able to get over the fact she had lied to me for over a month because she was ashamed of her weight...until she sat on my couch, broke it, and left in a thunderstorm of tears. At the time, I was beginning my financial woes and unable to replace the couch--ever. I spent my last year sitting on what appeared to be a raised seesaw.

Fifth, I did meet someone once. She was about six years younger than me, and she was a blast to hang out with. Things went smooth; we had fun every time we hung out, had a lot of laughs, got drunk and crazy. I thought we were headed in the right direction. Then I started meeting her friends, none of which liked me; some even told me they didn't like me, and that included a mentally handicapped guy, who was also the brother of the girl's best friend, another guy. Long story short, she dumped me two days after one of my best friends died from cystic fibrosis. She said the reason was, "You're kind of depressing," but a week later I bumped into her and her best friend, the one with the handicapped brother, buying furniture for their new apartment at Walmart. I would've believed their story of being just roommates, if I hadn't turned the aisle at the tale end of a tongue kiss. I looked her up on FB once and discovered she was single with two kids, which I assume were from two separate fathers as they were not the same ethnicity.

So, all in all, my online dating experiences have been nothing but nightmares, and I don't plan to try it again. In fact, typing all that out made me realize I might just prefer being single.


  1. never tried it, thank Allah, based on yr experience...

  2. The knife one is super creepy. And the lesbian on is just weird.

    1. I had to think about which one is "the lesbian" one. I guess I didn't make it clear that the girl's best friend was a guy...

  3. It's always easier to understand these type of concepts when they're related to the real world, especially for someone who isn't familiar with KBRs and KPIs. That was a great way to make the comparisons...and Ron Burgundy always helps!
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